I am the legend that is Pandora

SO earlier this week. I survived a 3 day weekend with Fusion. Yes I’m marching with a Drum Corps again and its the one I first started with. Which I’m extremely happy about. But also this week I removed a cancerous person from my life. Jay I have discovered was nothing but an ass hole and a lying pompous ass hole. I don’t think I have ever met someone who has pissed me off more. The sad part is he puts my ex Trevor in a better light. At least Trevor is going somewhere with his life now. But nonetheless i’m very proud of myself. People seem to have this misconception that I will not stand up for myself. Well those people seem to have their heads shoved so far up their asses that they can see the back of their teeth. I’m sick of taking abuse from people. I did it my whole life and now its time to put an end to it. If you don’t like me then don’t talk to me. Its as simple as that. Slowly but surely the jerks will be removed from my life and I can’t wait. I’m feeling better and better each day

I honestly now remember why i dropped off the face of the earth from people of this town. Saturday made me remember it all. I mean really. You think I didn’t notice you 3 fake bitches talking shit right in front of me? First of all, I hope to all hell that the real world knocks you on your bitchy asses. I mean Grow the hell up. You think that talking shit about people is going to get you far? I don’t think so. Trust me, once you’re out of high school. Nobody is going to give a rats ass about you. You are on your own from then on. Also just remember, If you think you’re bigger and better then everyone, there is always someone bigger then you who will kick your ass. Oh and second of all. For the record, Harassment can lead to police charges. Keep that in mind next time you run you’re mouth about someone. All it takes is one phone call and you will be royally screwed. Rumors suck, trust me every time there is one going around the same ass holes seem to like to blame me when i’m not even around for it. I dropped off the face of the earth and still had a shit load of rumors blamed on me. You all suck and I hope you’re proud of the monsters you have became. Because guess what. The real world will truly be disgusted once you come into play. I’ve lost everything I have ever owned and had my family shatter to pieces, and guess what? I have learned so much more about myself in the process to know that people like you will rot! So in other words “I got a new life now, and the best part is it don’t include you!”

Everyday I wake up feeling disappointed with myself. I always feel that I will never be good enough. Yes I walk around with a smile on my face to please everyone but it seems to hurt more and more each day. I have been battered so much over the years to the point where my body is becoming numb and cold. And that is the complete opposite of me. I just want someone to come to me and reassure me that it will all be alright. I can’t live like this anymore. Memories are coming back to haunt me day after day. This abuse is getting to be too much. When will I have a chance to feel relaxed? When will I get my true escape from reality? When will everything just work out? And when will I finally be able to find the strength to push through. I feel like I’ve lost everything that means most to me. My family had fallen to pieces, Every guy I have dated has treated me like garbage weather they know it or not, I have lost the only home I ever knew, and to top it all off. I can barely sleep anymore due to nightmares of memories that I wish I could block out. Its not fare anymore. Somebody please just come and tell me it will all be alright. And reassure me because I cant hold in my emotions anymore. I feel empty…..

I actually loved him. And now I know I will never have him. Hes on to other things and there is nothing I can do. I’ve held this all in and I can’t be doing that anymore. The thoughts I have had in my head since the last night I saw him are praying on my mind. And now im closing up inside. I’m so done getting hurt by men. I have had too much pain already and enough is enough already. Abuse weather it be emotional or physical hurts all the same. He suggests we just be friends and I would like that but at the same time all I want to do is sit in a corner and break down. I know I cant do that though. Inside my heart is breaking and all I can do is smile and pretend like nothing is wrong. From now on i’m closing my heart off. I may sound bitter but I refuse to do this anymore. I’m done. This past weekend was a nice escape from reality but as soon as I got home. I just got so overwhelmed with the return to reality that I feel completely lost. I am hoping by keeping myself busy I can move on but right now…… I’m hurt

I figured I’d write something because it has been a while since my last heart to heart post. There has been a lot on my mind. The loss of someone who was more then special and she is still truly inspiring to me. Terry Eckert Hall, she is my second cousin who recently lost a battle to cancer. A battle she fought tooth and nail for 4 years. She did all she could to stay with everyone. And to this day none of us can even fathom the amount of strength she had. I know I would not have been so strong to fight it like she did. I miss her every day even though it may not seem like it. Currently im trying to keep myself busy to keep myself from breaking, but every now and then all I want to do is cry. This wonderful woman showed me a whole side of the family that I do not think I would have ever gotten to know without her pulling us all together. Everyday I am thankful to her for what she has done. It has taken me a while to write this only because I needed time to regroup. When I had walked into the funeral home the day of her wake. I knew it was not her time to go. She was 49 this year. Too young to be going like this. She suffered in the end and it hurts to know she did. She didn’t deserve this. She was such a good person and a wonderful family member to us all. She was the kind of person who you could walk up to and start a conversation over anything and she would attach right to it. So many things were left unsaid. But she knew she was very well loved. She raised 2 amazing kids who I worry about even though they may be older then me. No one should lose their mom at such a young age. But they show such strength everyday with this. R.I.P Terry. You will never be forgotten. 

i really do not like being lied to. But whatever. Maybe its better u did. Now i know the kind of person u are.

I need a night of pure craziness. Anyone wanna help?